From: All About Romance ~ Virginal Heroes
From: The Naughty Bits ~ The Politics Of Dancing: The Old Straight-To-Gay Male Character Story Arc
Being Gay is a form of self awareness of who you really want emotionally, it happened with me very young but I have met guys where it took time to sink in. There are tons of Gay fathers out there. It’s not a condition that suddenly happens without short circuiting a huge amount of socially and religiously encouraged denial. Talk to any Gay guy who was married and had kids, so he had Straight sex right, but now swears he is 100% Gay and he most likely will tell you he always was Gay. Nothing about confronting that condition could possibly happen over night.
Homosexuality is just about sex.
Gay is about identity.
I have this concept I like to call “Gay Years” that came from having a bunch of really catty Drag Queen friends at an early age who were all about explaining the “lifestyle” to chicken like I was at the time and we talked about dating various types of guys and the perils of dating young straight boys versus older more mature gay gentlemen etc etc. I always dated older guys so that’s how I got into these types of conversations in the first place.
Anyway, “Gay Years” in my personal vocabulary is about “sexual identity” and counting the number of years after someone comes “out of the closet” and relating that to how emotionally stable they might be in a typical gay relationship. We are talking potential partner material here not someone you want a hot one-nighter with.
Someone having been “out of the closet” a while will be more sexually experienced and know what they like in bed. They will also most likely be more emotionally experienced and know what they want in a relationship… preferably with you. Things like preference of kinks or thoughts on monogamy will not be new subjects for them in a discussion.
Someone more recently having come “out of the closet” is expected to act “less mature” about gay relationships since they have yet to learn real “emotional values” no matter how “physically experienced” or their actual age. Communication will be bad to worse since they do not know what they really want. They have not had a chance at the candy store so to speak and it’s a really big candy store.
At a very young age I came to the conclusion the whole “Virginity Fetish” was a crock. Let’s face it virginity is awkward, it can be painful, and it sucks. Sorry, but I hope I am talking to adults here. I found nothing of value in losing my virginity, it was not physically special or emotionally a peak experience and I had years to go before I felt I was personally stable or even comfortable with my sexual identity.
I have tons of things that niggle at me around the whole virginity in romance deal. I can see how women can enjoy the ideas of turning the old trope around and having Virgin Heroes since for years there as been the ever present Rake Hero/Virginal Heroine. Then I realize that’s just two sides of the same coin because under it all there is this “value judgment” being made on either sexual experience or inexperience and that my friends bothers the hell out of me.
It’s like there is this *nod* involved to having the virgin or “a blank page” to do whatever you want with. It’s a hidden power dynamic with no real discussion of any consensual nature to it depending on how it is presented. I mean I hear tons of people making uncomfortable comments towards romance stories having a huge age difference involved with no recognition of the emotional maturity of the characters but this whole “Virginity Fetish” deal seems to fly under that radar.
Personally, unless we are talking about some Young Adult books I find the whole idea of “male virginity” in an experienced Gay character to be a bit um, questionable and I have to admit it’s far more easier for me to relax and enjoy a Gay Romance HEA where I think both heroes come at the relationship on equal footing and a similar experience level since no one is still “practicing their homosexuality” so to speak.
I am not saying a good writer can not take on a virgin character and write something along these lines just as writers have been able to slip the whole Gay-to-Straight deal into books that I have enjoyed in the past. It just depends almost entirely at that point on the characters and the writers talents but I must confess it’s gonna have to be a better than average attempt for me to buy it is all.
What do you think?
Tags: eBook Commentary, Gay Romance
Chris wrote,
I think you always getting me thinking about things in a different way. :)
I dislike the virginity trope, whether the virgin in question is male or female, gay or straight. There’s just so much societal and power baggage behind it – that women who aren’t virginal are “less”, that men who are virginal are “less”.
Link | February 17th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
TeddyPig wrote,
That’s why I bring this stuff up especially when men separate sex and love anyway.
Sexual experience to me means you know how to not be a “pain in the ass” literally for a one night fling.
Emotional experience means you are a “hot number” I will make sure to have a second, third, and forth date with.
Link | February 17th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Chris wrote,
And some people, be they male or female, never get anywhere on emotional experience…
Link | February 17th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
JL Langley wrote,
I think it depends on the character and the particular story the writer is trying to tell. The geeky nerdy types? The relationship virgin? It works. That said, I hate writing virginal love scenes, deflowering scenes or whatever you want to call them…HATE it, hate it, hate it! Male or female, both are horrid to write because as you said those first times are awkward and rarely mind blowing, multi-orgasmic wonderful experience of bliss they are made out to be. But nerdy analytical characters who don’t socially interact much… it sort of goes hand in hand. For those type characters the emotional maturity comes first. Hmm, you know now that I think about it, my only male virgin characters are in the Sci-Regency series and there is a societal reason behind the virginity. But still I say it depends on the character and the story. In het. romance I’ve only read one male virgin.
Link | February 17th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
TeddyPig wrote,
I think discovering some new turn on sexually can be great to add spice to any sex scene. Like a sweaty jock or spanking etc etc.
BUT… I think “virginity” used as a fetish in a Gay Romance comes with a whole set of character associated experience issues that makes it harder to sell me the HEA.
Link | February 17th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Emilie wrote,
I’ve read a few of those straight romances which have virginal heroes. I kind of like it as something different, if there’s some logical reason the hero has stayed a virgin, such as a physical ailment which is now cured. I prefer for the hero to be emotionally mature, though, eager to lose his virginity but also concerned with pleasing his partner.
It’s also quite plausible in coming-of-age stories, as the protagonist works through his confusion and figures out what he wants. Generally the boys are eager to lose their virginity in these stories as well.
I frequently rant about “Gay for You” stories generally not working for me. A male character suddenly switching preferences just doesn’t strike me as believable. A hero who has been so repressed that he has no awareness of what he really wants doesn’t seem like he’d be relationship material at all.
It’s not as common in m/m romances as I’d like, but I prefer stories in which both heroes have been out at the very least to themselves and their sex partners for some years, and are emotionally prepared to settle down in a relationship. I’m good with a relationship with an age difference if the younger partner has been out for a good five years or more.
My two cents.
Link | February 17th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
kate wrote,
I mostly agree. Male and female virgins arrive on the scene with different baggage; the value of a woman in so many m/f romances is tied to her purity, and I don’t think that same standard exists for men (at least from where I sit). So there’s that. (I wonder if some virgin heroes in m/m romances aren’t carryovers from that tradition, or at least the old notion that virginity is virtuous or whatever.) And it’s not to say that a man can’t meet the man of his dreams, lose his virginity, and live happily ever after, but I agree that I’m less likely to buy the HEA if a character doesn’t have some level of sexual agency and emotional maturity prior to meeting his or her one true love. (I read an old category romance a couple of months ago wherein the heroine had zero interest in sex prior to the hero’s arrival. Of course, then she’s all, “Oh, that’s what sex is?” I had a lot of trouble buying the ending. Hell, I had a lot of trouble buying the character; a 28-year-old woman who never had a single sexual impulse at all? Really?)
Link | February 17th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Angelia Sparrow wrote,
I don’t mind the virgin now and then. Everyone has to start some time. While gay men sometimes discover their orientation early. I know women in their thirties and forties who were shocked to discover their bisexuality.
I’ve written a few and yeah, the first time is usually awkward and unpleasant, leaving the former-virgin with a “that’s all there is?” feeling. I prefer writing characters who know themselves in all ways.
Link | February 19th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Gay For You ~ Making Mountains Out Of Molehills | The Naughty Bits wrote,
[...] From: The Virginity Fetish [...]
Link | July 22nd, 2011 at 8:56 am
Buck Angel And Fake Titties | The Naughty Bits wrote,
[...] can fetishize certain aspects of it. The transitional state of virginity or personal realization in the case of many gay romances. You can focus on the clothing or the hair [...]
Link | February 3rd, 2012 at 12:49 pm